Initially, I wanted to write an article about the hidden cost of depression. As luck would have it, I’m running low, dangerously low on inspiration.
The article is there. The words are going through my veins, I feel them. But a watched pot never boils, right?
So I looked through my old diaries and found some interesting poems. Some of them made laugh, some of them made me tear a tad, and some of them reminded me how much things can change.
Here they are. Do with them as you will, except for claiming them as your own. That’s called stealing, and I despise it:
Beginning of 2015
I am change
books
letters
and I aspire to be pure freedom.
allow me to bloom,
fall down, get up
allow me to make mistakes
let my interior touch the surface
let me have scars
allow time to run through me
let me take a breath of life without fearing your actions
I love you, and I have no problem with your being
what is it?
Please let me be, mother
mother of my heart.
22.11.2019.
It’s been a while since I walked lightly. Every step I take costs me
And the weight is already taking its toll
My back hurts
My neck hurts
And my soul
My heavy baggage is invisible to others
But my bones know it
My muscles
And my whole body
No secrets are kept amongst us
They know
We know
We will always know that
Our torment does not kill us
But it drags us
And it wears us down.
Sometime end of 2019
Can somebody please sell me a little bit of will to live?
Or carry the burden with me?
It is pressure on my shoulders
To be loved
To be helped out
Please release me from the responsibility of love
Please tell me that I can go
Without causing pain
Please tell me there is no reciprocity in a bond of love
I don’t want the glory of being mourned
I want ease
I want peace
I want to wake up and feel no pain
I want to feel desire , the urge to breathe
Yet I don’t miss a chance to betray my instincts
I want to go
I want to cross the line and be forgotten
I want to leave
At ease
At peace
Relieved.
Jan 2, 2020
For the first time in a while
I had a good start.
No bitterness in the back of my throat
Or despair, longing for something I cannot accomplish.
I had a good start
In good and warm company
Green eyes
Fine but full lips.
I went to bed in company
Calm. No rush, no setbacks.
I lay down with my head on a warm chest
Surrounded by light but fearless arms.
I went to bed serene.
And to me
That’s a good start.
Jan 6, 2020
I have been told I do not deserve pain in the same way I do not deserve happiness
The comparison is not fair.
Pain lasts longer than happiness and it’s easy to hide.
You can cover the dark circles around your eyes with makeup.
Hide scars or wounds beneath your clothes.
Light up someone else’s life to distract yourself from the bottom of your own pit.
And you get used to it.
The answer is always okay.
You cry yourself to sleep alone.
When you’re in company
The bathroom is a safe place to cry.
Put on your mask again
Pretend the ideas of death are not flooding your mind.
Happiness is harder to hide.
How do you hold off a smile
Or the feeling of no weight on your shoulders.
Your gait embodies freedom.
Fear fading away.
People can see it.
They will ask you questions about it
And you won’t mind answering them
Because you’re happy.
Pain is visible to some people
But they will be afraid to ask
And you will be afraid to answer.
So you put on your best performance
And go on with your life
Wishing some day
Your heart finally stops because you want it to.
You long for control over your vital functions to end the pain.
It doesn’t happen.
You continue to open your eyes
Day after day
You’re still here
Hoping that fate
With some of your help
Will finally bend down and let you go.